Good morning everyone,
Today’s review is a bit different than most posts at There She Grows. Instead of covering a size fetish story, we’re going to examine a more “mainstream,” meaning no giants or tiny people, story. This will examine the 2005 big budget pornographic film “Pirates.” The producer, as reported by Newsweek, claimed it was the “most expensive porno in history” costing more than $1 million. Compare that to the average porno budget of $25,000! (NOTE: Average porno budget was given by Pirates director and writer Ali Joone, a.k.a. Ali Davoudian, in a July 2009 New York Times article “Internet strips away plot from porn” by Matt Richtel.)
Argument could be made that the 1979 film “Caligula” is actually the highest budgeted pornographic production. Caligula was filmed with a budget of $17.5 million, according to John Heidenry in his 1997 book “What Wild Ecstasy: The Rise and Fall of the Sexual Revolution.” However, that was a conflicting mishmash of creative intent with the producer, Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione, wanting to include explicit sex scenes while the director, Tinto Brass, and screenplay writer, Gore Vidal, did not. Guccione filmed sex scenes with Penthouse Pets and incorporated the additional footage during post production. Therefore, Caligula was different insomuch as the creators disagreed whether it should be pornographic or not. In contrast, the creators of Pirates intended it to be pornographic. Maybe I’ll examine Caligula at a later date, but today’s goal is to see if “Pirates” is worth a watch and to determine if it could provide lessons for fetish productions.
Let’s begin with the production itself. Pirates was a joint effort funded by Adam & Eve (a company primarily known for selling adult products online) and Digital Playground (an American pornographic studio). It was filmed over the course of three months, beginning in mid-April and concluding in early June, in 2005.
Sex scenes were filmed in a California studio and included heterosexual, lesbian, and threesome action.
Other scenes took place on board a replica of the HMS Bounty docked behind the St. Petersburg Museum of History in Florida. (NOTE: The real HMS Bounty is famous for a mutiny which took place in 1789. The replica was made for the 1962 film “Mutiny on the Bounty” starring Marlon Brando. The vessel has since appeared in two of Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” films and 2004’s “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.”)
According to an article in the Tallahassee Democrat, local officials rented rooms to the crew, provided storage for equipment, and roped off areas near the boat. Unfortunately, they were misled and were unaware that Pirates was going to be a porno. (NOTE: That article, “Arrrrr! Bounty officials upset by ‘Pirates’ flick,” appeared in the January 23, 2006 edition of the Tallahassee Democrat.) I can understand why city officials were upset at being misled. However, I can also understand why the production felt like they had to misrepresent the situation as prejudices against adult entertainment would have stymied their efforts.
Pirates premiered on September 12, 2005, at Hollywood’s Egyptian Theater. Later that month the DVD was released. A R-rated version, with a significantly shorter runtime, was also released in July 2006. A Blu-Ray version was released in January 2008 and a three-disc set DVD Collector’s Edition was released in July 2011.
Moving onto the plot, it begins with a young married couple, Manuel Valenzuela and Isabella, played by Kris Slater and Carmen Luvana respectively. Manuel is the descendant of an important bloodline and a key component (alongside a magical dagger and an Incan monk) in Stagnetti’s quest to find a powerful magic staff.
Before the four-minute mark viewers are shown the fully naked blonde beauty Isabella as she and her husband celebrate their nuptials. Manuel performed cunnilingus on his new wife which surely augurs for many years of martial bless. Pro tip for new husbands, many wives enjoy oral sex!
Alas, before they can engage in round two of their consummation pirates under the command of Captain Stagnetti board their ship! Stagnetti was portrayed by Tommy Gunn and his first mate Serena was portrayed by Janine Lindemulder.
The pirates kidnapped Manuel and Stagnetti unceremoniously pushed Isabella over board. It was in this particular scene where the lack of acting experience was apparent. The actor playing Manuel did deliver his line and begged Stagnetti to allow him to rescue Isabella after she had plunged into the ocean. However, Manuel’s lines were delivered with the same passion I reserve for deciding whether or not to correct the waiter when they get my order wrong. Which is to say the lines were delivered without any passion at all. It’s a bummer when I don’t get the Level 3 spicy sauce and they bring out Level 1 instead. Level 1 is tasty, but it’s not what I wanted. No matter, I wouldn’t want to be any trouble…
Long story short, actor Kris Slater should have put more emotion into Manuel’s performance. Although, to be fair, he presumably had no acting training and it would be wrong to judge him too harshly.
Thankfully, Isabella was rescued by pirate hunters led by Captain Edward Reynolds played by Evan Stone. In contrast to Kris, Evan’s performance was good and his character was likeable. I wanted him to succeed despite his character’s ineptitude. A “Mini Bio” on IMDb stated that Evan was also a stand-up comic and I’d believe that based on his performance here. He was funny as a good fellow in a tough situation, way over his head. Captain Reynolds was supported by his first mate Jules played by Jesse Jane. While the crew had yet to confront any pirates, Jules maintained morale via numerous lovemaking sessions.
Together, Captain Reymolds and Jules led the crew to help Isabella save her lover Manuel and to thwart Stagnetti’s evil intentions. That’s all I want to give away about the plot.
Next, let’s discuss the positives. The inclusion of jokes and humor particularly from Captain Reynolds and Marco, Jules’s friend who provided information on Stagnetti, was appreciated. Some may be annoyed when Marco cries about Jules, but such is in keeping with sad men who fall for beautiful women. (SIDE NOTE: Although, Marco seemed to have difficulty maintaining an erection.)
There was subtlety in one joke where a crewmember told the captain that they had spotted something off the bow and the captain looked the wrong way. The cast could have over-explained the humor with someone saying “You’re looking off the port side Captain. The bow is the front of the ship.” Instead, the crewmember merely rolled his eyes and Jules tapped the captain’s shoulder. That was all that was needed to emphasize that this was Captain Reynolds’s first time at sea and thus he did not know what part of the ship was the bow.
Furthermore, the costumes and sets were more than adequate. The inclusion of computer generated imagery (CGI) was also relatively effective, particularly given that this was 2000’s era. The digital special effects, while not completely believable, were done well enough to convey what was happening. CGI rendered animated skeletons which were sicced upon the valiant pirate hunters. It was also used for a ship-to-ship battle.
Regarding negatives, the acting often did not convey strong emotion. Additionally, gunpowder specialist Wu Chow was portrayed with a very stereotypical accent. Music, particularly instrumentals which played during sex scenes, was a bit repetitive. Surely, someone could have dug up a traditional 18th century nautical song and sung that.
Logic was thrown out the window when an overly enthusiastic fan of Captain Reynolds refused to untie him until they made love. At this point in the story Captain Reynolds and Jules were tied to a post while the surrounding building was set on fire. Presumably, there should have been a wee sense of urgency. Ergo, fuck fast before you burn! My thought was that she would pull out his penis, but leave him tied up. Then she could give him a blow job or fuck him doggy style while he was constrained. Instead, she completely untied him and then they made love, sans any constraints, and only afterward did everyone run to safety. Little odd in my opinion. If it truly was a dangerous situation then why didn’t he untie Jules and get the hell out of dodge? Pro tip to Captain Reynolds, after you’re untied you don’t have to do what she wants.
Some folks may quibble at the makeup worn by the ladies, but that didn’t bother me. Sure, one could question if such cosmetics were readily available on the high seas during the 18th century, but that didn’t bother me. The same goes for the latex condoms worn by the men.
Overall, the positive outweighed the negatives. Two months after its release, as of late November 2005, Pirates had already sold more than 100,000 DVD copies as opposed to the normal 5,000. (NOTE: Those figures were taken from a Newsweek article entitled “XXX Blue, Spending Green” published on November 27, 2005, and written by Daniel McGinn.) Additionally, it won eleven awards at the annual Adult Video News (AVN) show in January 2006 and two X-Rated Critics Organization (XRCO) Awards. The gambit on big budget porno appeared to pay off. Pirates was a critical and financial success.
Pirates is a recommended watch for all lovers of adult entertainment. Although, it is not as easy to find as I would like. Blu-Ray and DVD copies are out-of-print and care must be taken to avoid R-rated editions on eBay. A search for “Pirates” at Digital Playground’s own website only returned some, but not all, of the scenes from Pirates II. Why not throw a complete copy of “Pirates” online for ten bucks? Maybe they made enough money in initial sales and the multiple re-releases that they no longer carry anymore.
Bottomline, Pirates’ success demonstrates that investing in high-quality erotic productions can yield positive critical and financial results. Accordingly, it’s not inconceivable that if someone did the same for a size-themed fetish production they could achieve similar positive results. (Psst… Digital Playground! Give me a couple mil and I’ll make “Attack of the 50 Ft Porno.”) Someone might argue that giants or tiny people are too far-fetched, but then Pirates included animated skeletons which, if my college science classes were accurate, were also rather far-fetched.
That’s it for today folks. Next week’s review will return to familiar territory with a look at a giantess clip from the Bratty Foot Girls. Until then, keep growing your booty!
This review was written by SolomonG and is protected under Fair Use copyright law.
All Rights Reserved.
There She Grows 