Mainstream Fare #2 – Millennial Edition Reviewing “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and “Picking Up the Pieces”

Oops!… I did it again

I played with your heart

Got lost in the game

Oh, baby, baby

The above lyrics were taken from the song “Oops!… I Did It Again” by Britney Spears, which was released on March 27, 2000. Just like Britney got lost in the game of romance, I got lost in the size-fetish reviewing game (We’ve all been there right?) Therefore, I’m writing another post about mainstream films with size-fetish themes! 😎

So, let’s look back to the turn of the century and the beginning of a new millennium. On New Year’s Day, humanity discovered that the Y2K bug had been avoided and life would continue as it did in 1999, which likely shocked some doomsayers. As society continued to survive many movies were released, including two I’d like to discuss today.

We’ll start with “Picking Up the Pieces,” which hit theaters in late May of 2000. It was directed by Alfonso Arau and starred numerous famous actors such as Cheech Marin, David Schwimmer, Kiefer Sutherland, and Woody Allen.

Notably, Cheech Marin described Picking Up the Pieces as the “Worst movie I was ever in.” during a 2008 interview with The A.V. Club. He also stated that “It just went to shit. It was so bad I couldn’t watch me in it. Man, I can watch me in anything.”

So, with that in mind, let’s discuss the plot. It begins with Woody Allen’s character, a butcher called Tex Cowley, chopping up his unfaithful wife Candy Cowley, played by Sharon Stone. Tex then drives to an isolated spot in New Mexico to bury his wife’s body. However, on the way the bumpy road jostles his truck and causes Candy’s dismembered corpse to fall off the back of Tex’s truck. Her hand, with middle finger extended no less, is found by a blind woman.

Her blindness is cured and she excitedly carries the severed hand to her hometown of El Niño, New Mexico. The woman believes that she found the “Hand of the Virgin Mary.” Soon other townsfolk also experience miracles. These include curing Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character Flaco of acne, restoring a man’s lost legs, enlarging a short man’s penis, etc.

As already mentioned, many well-known actors performed in this and thus there’s a lot of talent here that goes to waste. With a better script and sharper dialogue there could have been more laughs. As it was, I did find the following sign with its extended middle finger pointing the way to the magical relic to be a bit humorous, but there should have been more.

Furthermore, character motives were weak. For instance, Tex kills his wife at the very beginning so we know very little about her, besides that she was promiscuous. A Texas State Trooper named Bobo, played by Kiefer Sutherland, suspects that Tex murdered Candy. It’s clear that Bobo was involved in an extra-martial affair with Candy, but it’s not clear that he had any deep feelings for Candy, beyond enjoying their physical relationship. Thus, his motivation for solving her murder was not strong. It’s not as if Tex killed the only woman that Bobo ever loved. He never sheds a tear for her. (NOTE: Furthermore, when Candy’s ghost appears to Tex she does not express any attachment to the law enforcement officer. She does not discuss Bobo at all.) Alternatively, it was obvious that Bobo disliked Tex; so, perhaps he just wanted to throw Tex in jail.

Also, Tex recognizes his wife’s hand on the news. Thus, he travels to El Niño to investigate. But, he could have just ignored it. No one suspected that the hand belonged to a murder victim or was attempting to identify the hand by taking DNA samples or fingerprints. They were too busy making money off the tourists now traveling to El Niño.

Perhaps of most interest to size-fetish fans is the scene in which a young lady complains that everyone calls her “tortilla” because she is so flat. She wishes for “big chi-chis” (NOTE: Slang term for breasts) and that request is swiftly granted!

At the local hospital we get a clearer, but very brief, look at the short man’s impressive member.

And an unobscured view of the young lady’s enhanced chi-chis.

Alas, Tex buries Candy’s hand and all of the miracles are undone. We were never given a reason for why the miracles happened and likewise were never given a reason for why burying the hand undid them. Indeed, Tex communes with his wife’s spirit at one point and asks for an explanation, which she refuses to give. I assume because the creators were lazy and could not be bothered to do anything with the premise?

There was a happy and satisfying ending, but I can’t recommend Picking Up the Pieces. There was too little enjoyment in this. Size-fetish fans could look for just the scenes themselves, but to be honest, the scenes were so brief and inconsequential that it’s not worth much effort seeking them out.

Moving on, let’s examine another comedy. This one is entitled “Dude, Where’s My Car?” and was released at the end of 2000. It’s an 84-minute PG-13 movie starring Ashton Kutcher, as Jesse, and Seann William Scott, as Chester.

The premise involves the two slackers waking up one morning with no recollection of the previous night. They try to learn what took place, just like the characters in 2009’s “The Hangover.” (SIDE NOTE: Did the Hangover steal its plot from Dude, Where’s My Car? 😉 )

There’s low-brow humor such as the “And Then” joke when the two guys are in the drive-through at a Chinese restaurant. (NOTE: Reportedly, the characters on the sign read “hai you ne” in Mandarin which could be translated as “Is there anything else?” ergo “And then?”) This joke continues on throughout the runtime.

Additionally, there was a scene in which Chester and Jesse ask each about their respective back tattoos which reminded me of the “Who’s on First?” comedy routine by Abbott and Costello.

Be aware, this film was a product of its time and includes what I think was intended to be a joke about a transsexual stripper. There is no concern with jokes involving transsexual characters per se. However, the humor here appeared to rest solely on the fact that the character was transsexual. Ergo, it’s funny because she is transsexual. Get it? The fact that such people exist is funny, right?

Hopefully, it’s apparent that I would have preferred if the humor had involved something more than the fact that a particular group of people exists.

Eventually, it becomes clear that aliens are involved and in the confrontation the duo are pursued by a group of beautiful female aliens who merge and form a giantess. Which, not for nothing, is the first time that I’ve seen multiple ladies combine to create one giant lady.

Additionally, the “Super Hot Giant Alien” swallows a dude.

Alas, while the oversized extraterrestrial first appears inside an arcade with air hockey tables, change machines, video game cabinets, etc., she does not interact with the surroundings. (NOTE: To be accurate, she does smack two men and sends them flying high into the air.) However, she doesn’t knock over any tables, smash overhead pipes, or crush skee-ball machines under her heels. Surprisingly, she appears to take great pains not to disturb anything. (NOTE: Presumably, that was due to the low production value.)

Overall, I recommend Dude, Where’s My Car? Could it have been funnier? Yes. Were the special effects the best that they could have been? No. Yet, there is enough here to warrant a rental, while keeping in mind its simple, and dated, humor.

That’s it for now folks until next time, keep growing!

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